generally, i use the days around christmas as the time i take stock of the past year, and where my life has gone. and that'll happen, but right now, amelia will be leaving for boston again in a few hours, and i have to see her before she goes. so in lieu of the huge, life-perspective entry, i will give you "rules for dating," by the Vacation Four. the Vacation Four being me, basil, amelia, and matt, who spent a summer making little books at the diner. when we get together now, the first thing we do is procure paper and pens, and the books start all over again. so here it is, "the dating instruction manual:"

1. Do not date someone whom one is not dating.
2. "What would Basil do?" is not a sufficient philosophical stance.
3. At all times, avoid being "that guy," preferably by being a girl.
4. Mom-quacking is strictly prohibited.
5. Basil is allowed to ignore rule #4.
6. Dating may or may not require monogamy.
7. If you meet on 4th street between 2nd & 3rd and are chased to a pizza parlor and handed a sugar [acket before running to the subway after a delightful conversation about unicycles, this is not normal but may be considered a first date.
8. Mixed tapes are a mating ritual. no argument about it.
9. Toothpicks in the mail are not necessarily a declaration of lust. Crushed soda cans are, especially if a multitude arrive post-marked from around the world.
10. Don't date somebody who's seeing a shrink.
11. Watch any Woody Allen movie, Do the exact opposite of what he does.
12. Never make important decisions while under the influence of alcohol. Put the bottle down first.
13. If you're shizophrenic, you can cheat on yourself. If the other person is schizophrenic, it's not technically cheating. (forget the hypocrisy in that last statement.)
14. You don't both have to agree that it's a date. It's all how you perceive it.
15. Don't date someone who is dating their shrink.
16. Laundromats are not a place for a first date. Second date is allowed.
17. Do not pretend to like me just to get into my pants.
18. Don't expect me to pretend to like you just because i let you get into my pants.
19. If you can't make me laugh, you'd better put out.
20. Don't say you're going to call if you're NEVER GOING TO CALL. because i'll track you down & kill you.

things i want before new year's eve: sparkly hair clippies, contacts, and pleather pants. mum says i should lose weight before investing in the pleather. i say hey, oprah and starr jones can do it, so can i. enjoy your day after the festivities, i'm off to have adventures with a good friend.

the cruel irony is that there are no rules. -beatpoetgrrl

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