the last entry is partially due to the fact that i missed my paxil for a few days, and the subsequent feeling that my skin is too small for my body and i might explode at any moment. which is not to say that i didn't mean any of it, or that the vehemence was misplaced.

nevertheless, i am feeling rather christmassy at the moment...we did the gift exchange tonight, as both Younger Brother and Dad have to work tomorrow morning. stupid work thing. Mom bought me Anne of Green Gables porcelain dolls (anne and diana barry, for those of you familiar with the story), which are quite cute, some vintage records of children's stories (the disney recording of babes in toyland, strawberry shortcake, disco disney, and winnie the pooh. first day stamp covers too, one of them of andrew wyeth's "christina's world." also a very nice wrought-iron candle stand, and AAA membership. Younger Brother did get a tiny bit misty-eyed when presented with his gift, which i think means i did a good job. Mom likes her watercolor flower paintings, and Dad his desk caddy and givenchy handkerchiefs. i get a kick out of the fact that he'll be blowing his nose on the only givenchy article i've ever been able to buy.

while doing my christmas shopping yesterday (nothing like the last minute, truly), i saw someone from my distant past, and not a pleasant character from that time. in sixth and seventh grade a group of us girls were sexually harrassed by a few of the guys in our school. yesterday i came almost face-to-face with my own personal tormentor, and his younger brother, who used to harrass the retarded boy that rode my bus in high school. the instant i realized who he was, my entire stomach turned over. i felt this overwhelming wave of anger, shame, hostility, and nausea. i wanted to shout after him as he walked to his car that i still hated him. i wanted to confront him and make him take responsibility for the things he did to me, to us. and in some small part of me, i felt a little silly that twelve years later, i'm still dealing with this. that i haven't forgiven, or at least forgotten. but the truth is, i can't forgive someone who's never asked to be forgiven, and i can't forget something that made me feel so terrible about myself, so young. i ended up so ashamed of my body; i'm still working to be free of that feeling. the other girl who was harrassed to the extent that i was ended up anorexic in high school, and i'm not wholly convinced that it didn't stem from the same place. with his brother, i took action. i reported his harrassment to the principal. for other people, i can always speak up.

so tomorrow we're going to Older Sister's house, for christmas ham and the gift exchange. i got the kids good presents i think. i do so want to be the cool aunt this year. and now to bed, or santa won't show up.

feliz navidad, -beatpoetgrrl

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