kids, it's been a long time. almost five years.
a lot changes in five years, you know?
five years ago this month, i moved out of my apartment in maryland and into my parents' house. five years ago i was heartbroken, depressed, and unemployed.
i got a job; i worked at the daycare for years. i started fumbling back toward the light. and you were here for all of it.
i left the daycare. i started school. you were here for my first day, when i froze my ass off and learned french.
you were here when i moved into this apartment, when i learned about my illness, when my life started to look crazy from every angle i could find.
this diary started out as an exercise in anonymous communication. i screwed that up myself; i was so proud of it i told everyone in sight. i registered the damn thing on diarist.net under my own name and everything. that was my mistake.
but here's the thing. i can't write here like i used to. i find myself censoring things, leaving some things out entirely. i feel like i'm lying, and that's not fair.
there are people here who know me. i don't mean that that's a bad thing, necessarily (and if you are who i think you are, please email me. i'd like to talk). but for right now, i'm uncomfortable sharing myself, now that i'm no longer anonymous. people from my past have found me here (i know it was under the best of intentions, and whoever you are who sent them here, i don't blame you, but it isn't something that's good for me right now).
beatpoetgrrl is a part of who i am. in some ways, i am beatpoetgrrl. in some ways, i became her, or she became me, in the symbiotic relationship that anonymous writing creates. but i think i need to leave beatpoetgrrl behind. i need a fresh start again, after all this time.
it feels like cutting off a part of myself. but maybe it's a part of myself that requires amputation. a part that no longer works, or fits. i'm going to miss it.
it's not even really that i'm leaving behind the online world. it's that i'm moving. pulling up stakes and striking out for greener pastures. hell, i'm not even leaving diaryland. diaryland is a family to me, a base of support that i never thought possible. some of my closest friends, i've never even met face to face. and if you're on my favorites list, or i'm on yours--email me (beatpoetgrrl AT diaryland DOT com), and i'll tell you where to find me.
it feels a little like a funeral. good-bye, i love you. be happy.
in fine,
beatpoetgrrl
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