2005 has been...largely uneventful, really. i hate to admit that, but it's true. quite honestly, there is almost nothing that sticks out in my mind about this past year that differentiates it from other years. i spent a lot of time worrying about money, worrying about schoolwork, worrying about my... i think it would be safe to say that "worry" was the theme for 2005.

there were good times too. there were parties at my brother's house, occasional shows and one road trip (that started good and ended disastrously).

in 2005 i did leave my job at the daycare. i did move into my VERY OWN apartment, and get my first 4.0 ever. there were some changes in my life, but really, not the huge earth-shattering kind that make for good year's end diary entries.

what i did do a lot of in 2005 was spend a lot of time thinking about my love life. a lot, ok? way, way more than i probably should have been. ironically, for all the time i spent thinking about it, and obsessing over it, and, yes, WORRYING about it, nothing ever really happened. how sad is that? i expended so much time and effort and brain power on my non-existent love life. maybe if i'd put my energy elsewhere, i could have, oh, say, solved nuclear cold fusion, or ended world hunger, or written my first book of poems.

i'm in a foul mood today. i hate being so poor that i can't afford basic neccessities of life. i hate being too broke to buy butter. i hate that my internet bill is overdue, even though it's the ONLY bill i have beyond my rent. i hate that i never really feel like an adult, because i can't manage to do the things other adults do with no apparent effort, like live on their own, pay their bills, and go to the damn doctor when they don't feel well. i don't have my rent for january, and i can't borrow from my parents, because they don't have it either. my student loan check won't come until the middle of the month, if by then. i have nothing of any value to sell, even on ebay. at this point i'm going to have to suck up my pride and go beg my landlady not to evict me. i have exactly $27 to get myself through until thursday, and no gas in my car. i hate this. and you know what? i'm beyond feeling ashamed of being pathetic. i'm baldly asking for charity at this point. anyone who ants to donate can click the button at the bottom of this paragraph. seriously. if you can, send me $5. hell, send me $1 if you want. if 100 readers donated $7, i'd have my rent money. in return, i'll send you pictures and emails, like your very own adopted underprivileged child.

so yeah, 2006 has to be better. in May 2006 i will graduate. in June, if all goes well, i will turn 29 at the Bucknell Seminar for Younger Poets. (i send my application out on monday). in 2006, everything changes again. it'll be a good thing--i need it, badly.

so, am i going out tonight? in new years' past, i've spent evenings wearing fabulous new clothes and beautiful makeup, surrounded by friends or by random really drunk people. but this year, i'm not really in the mood. there's the fact that i'm broke. there's the fact that i'm depressed because i'm broke. there's the fact that it's snowing like crazy out there right now. and there's the fact that this year i will NOT be surrounded by friends. my friends are flung to various corners of the earth, they're in serious committed relationships, or i haven't talked to them in so long they've forgotten about me. there's drama festering around the 212 house, and i refuse to become a part of that. i have an invitation from leslie, who is great and awesome and wonderful. but it'll be a party of her boyfriend's friends, and that puts me doubly out of place. so i don't know, which is worse? being home alone on new years eve, or being so desperate not to be alone on new years eve that i surround myself with strangers? i have a bottle of tequila and a coupon for a free pack of cigarettes. i could get quietly drunk and resolutely ignore the whole damned thing...
i suppose i should shower, at least. because i might get dressed and go after all. i might fix up my hair, put on some sparkly eye shadow, and head for budd lake and the party scene. because on new year's eve, what else is there ?

happy new year everyone,
beatpoetgrrl

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