in which i emphatically do NOT mention terry schiavo outside this sentence because i think it's a crime that the goverment is involved at all and it really seems to be more about making the public ignore the anniversary of the iraq war and the drilling in alaska and all.
i'm not going to talk about it. hell, i don't want to talk about anything political right about now. i spent the entire day online looking at abstinence-only education websites. and learning about pharmacists that refuse to dispense birth-control and morning-after pills because "they're forms of abortion." i feel sick and angry and like i want to strap these people to chairs a la clockwork orange until i manage to make them understand that a) condoms are effective, b) hormonal contraception prevents ovulation, not implantation of an already fertilized egg, and c) telling kids anything else is wrong, immoral, and detrimental to their well-being. imagine all the kids who aren't going to bother using birth control because some right-wing moron told them it wouldn't work! makes me want to crack skulls.
i went out friday night. it was...interesting. i haven't been out with all the girls in a long while now-- since they all went and got themselves boyfriends. but tara's boyfriend's band was playing at connections, and i haven't seen tara in ages, so i trundled off. (in my mom's buick le saber old lady car with the winnie the pooh sunshade and the carseat in the back, because my heater died). it was good to see tara, and melissa. and leslie (though i see her a lot anyway). but it's a different dynamic than it used to be. because...well, i'm not sure exactly why because. except that because when people are in couples, they tend to gravitate toward the other half of the couple. not having been in a couple for, oh, far longer than i care to admit, i don't quite understand. but the point is that the couples mingle separately, for a while, yeah. but at the end of the night, when the bands have played and the last call lights have flared and receded, what you end up with is three couples sitting together, on the bar or on a couch in a corner, exhausted and tipsy and happy to be back together in their comfortable unit.
and then you have the rest. the slightly desperate, trying to cash in on some promising bar conversation with a drunken makeout session or at least a phone number scrawled on a cocktail napkin. the studied nonchalant, finishing up their drinks and heading toward the door. the genuinely fine, trying to get everyone to go to the diner for french toast. and me. hovering slightly on the edge of everything, not sure exactly where i fit in, who to talk to, or what in the name of gods and little fishes compelled me to spend the evening with my friends, their boyfriends, and the Crush (who really deserves a better name, to differentiate him from other crushes past and future).
spent the better part of the rest of the weekend hanging out in my room alternately feeling sorry for myself and feeling silly for feeling sorry for myself. but i dunno...it just feels like there must be something wrong, that i can go for seven years not being in a relationship with someone. that i can go for three or four without even kissing someone. that i've managed to spend, basically, the entire decade of my twenties being virtually celibate. and it gets to a point when i have to wonder if it's me. if i'm doing this to myself somehow, subconsciously or something. if i'm some unapproachable ice princess or just completely unattractive and dull. how long i can keep making excuses about being a strong woman who doesn't need anybody. because really? it's kinda lonely over here in Strong Single Woman Land lately.
ok i'm tired and cranky and i have to meet my group in the school library at 9 am tomorrow for one of those really stupid group project things that should really end by high school graduation. and did i mention that the school library is an hour away from me without traffic? woohoo.
in crankiness,
beatpoetgrrl
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