so i've been reading the nerve personals blogging thing they're doing, and it's gotten me thinking about how i never write about relationship stuff in this diary. ok let's face it, i never really write in this diary. but it's not because i don't want to, i swear! and since i've renewed my gold membership, and i've got banner ads circulating, maybe i should give those people who click them something to look at for a change.
so first, in a nutshell, my dating history. it's short, because, as it occurred to me earlier today, i have spent most of my adult life being single. here goes:
i was what is commonly referred to by adults as a "late bloomer." commonly referred to by peers as a "hopeless geek." i was the girl who occasionally got brave enough to slip some boy a note that she thinks he's cute, and then is shot down miserably because how dare such a hopeless geek find someone attractive. so by the time there was finally someone interested in dating me, i was fifteen. i went into it kind of nervous and wanting to get this whole "first boyfriend" thing over with--i think it's safe at this point to say that i'm not a romantic. it was good for a while, and then it wasn't good. there were some control issues going on, and after a while i figured out that i wasn't happy anymore. people kept telling me that i deserved better.
i broke up with him at my friend amy's party, on her front porch. i told him that i didn't think we should see each other any more, and he cried, and i walked back inside, and i cried. he followed me until he graduated, stood the next lane over from the supermarket where he worked and said terrible things about me. he also told me i'd never find anyone who would treat me as well as he did. the irony of it was that i didn't. all those guys talking about how much better i deserved suddenly backed away, afraid, i guess, that i took them literally.
that this was my longest relationship could be troublesome. i will call him the control freak.
next, the whirlwind: i met tim when i was 20 and he was a freshman. i had a huge crush on a quiet shy morrissey look-alike named frank who was in english club with me. my personal project one semester was "make frank talk to me." my "song" for him was say something, by james, because it was the 90s and i was relatively hip with the brit pop and all. tim stormed in and apparently made me his own project. within a week of meeting him, we were making out in the top bunk of my best friend's dorm room. within two weeks, he was calling me his girlfriend. in three weeks, he was telling me that i was getting too attached to him. within a month, he was breaking up with me. i have defined this as the "go away a little closer" dance.
the "not-quite"boy: steve. he was a friend of friends, and we started to hang out on my winter break. every time i came home, we got drunk and never quite managed to fool around. he got back together with his ex around the time i came home for the summer.
the almost-famous boy: matt was once the bassist in Q and not U, something that still causes my indie-rock friends to regard me with some kind of awe. we had a very brief but interesting relationship, which lasted about a week before he realized he didn't want a relationship. we had occasional drunken hookups after that.
random boys: graeme told me how attractive he found me, and left for chicago a week after our makeout sessions at a series of parties the summer i turned 22. matt and i made out at two separate new years parties, two years apart.
most of my relationship history is passive. not for nothing has okcupid defined me as "the window shopper." i tend to get a protracted long-distance crush on someone, and never do anything about it. some of those i have detailed in this diary, at least.
this entry has gone on quite long enough. next up, why personals sites are both funny and sad.
beatpoetgrrl
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