the forsythia is blooming in my neighbor's yard. i think it's probably just as confused by this weather as i am. yesterday, i saw morning glories blooming, wrapped around a tree with no leaves left. "have we just skipped winter entirely?" they seemed to be saying. not that i'd mind, of course.
admissions essays really are giving me a headache. i finished the one about how going to college will benefit me, my family, and/or my community. i finished the one about how going to college will affect my family. what i'm stuck on is the essay about what unique strenghths and talents i bring to my pursuit of a degree, and how my work, volunteer, and life experiences have contributed to my goals. and this is the one that really counts, kids. my one chance to really sell myself to the montclair state Powers That Be, who hold my fate in their essay-reading hands.
so far i've written a capsule biography of what i did once i left college. but as for what it's taught me? i'm having a hard time. i was going to be snarky just now and say that's it taught me that i don't like teaching small children, but that's not true. well, it's true this week, but not an actual truth. teaching has taught me a lot about myself. because i have to teach the kids to speak up for themselves, it's actually carrying over to me. i actually can confront people on things that bother me. and i'm getting better at asking for things that i want. but is that what an admissions essay reader wants to hear?
i haven't slept in two nights; the cats are in heat, and when they finally shut up, all the worries about my application come flooding back in. i'm terribly afraid that something is going to go wrong. that my transcripts won't arrive in time. that salisbury will call me and tell me they can't send them until i have a meeting with their financial aid people because i didn't do an exit interview (because i hadn't intended to actually leave.) that one of my letters of recommendation won't make it there for some unforseen reason. oh, there are so many variables that could get screwed up, leaving me doing this wage-slave gig for another six months while i wait everything out. i feel like i've been waiting everything out for three years, now.
my face is all broken out, i haven't read a book in a week, i'm cranky at work, and i can't seem to muster enthusiasm for anything. not even my new car, which, though it is an unfortunate color, is still the nicest car i've ever owned, and sitting in my driveway waiting for a visit. dad thinks i don't like it, because, as i said, i can't seem to get excited about it. and being cranky at work is dangerous...preschool is not a job with downtime. i need to be one hundred percent on and cheerful, all day, every day. it's killing me.
i will be very, very glad when this whole admissions process is though. i will go to the gym and sit in the sauna for an hour, and go out and have a nice midoori sour, and sleep in the next morning. it will be heaven.
beatpoetgrrl
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