no but really, think about it. hipsters are notoriously skinny and wearing tight offbeat t-shirts and cords. it's impossible to wear the hipster uniform if you are not skinny. just another way to keep the riffraff out.
i'm having body image issues tonight. i've always been a little bit on the round side, from the time i was twelve or so. i've never been what you'd call "skinny." but i always took pretty good care of myself, not counting that i ate junk food like your average teenager and didn't do a whole lot in terms of "working out." and when i went to college i actually lost weight after the initial freshman 10 shock. even went to the gym for a while, until the depression got really bad. then i gained, and badly. and then i started taking paxil, and i gained even more, weight gain being a side effect of paxil. it's a catch-22, that mess.
when i lessened my dosage, i lost some weight. and when i started paying attention to what i ate and going to the gym, i lost some more. but i stopped going to the gym for some reason, and lately i sprained my ankle so i had to be sedentary, and i feel...gross. lumpy and lazy and completely unattractive.
what's really heightening this though is the fact that every girl i know these days, i outweigh by a good 40 or 50 pounds. at least. leading me to my conclusion that there are no fat people any more. these girls are small to the point of pixiehood, to the point of blowing away in a strong wind. they are waifs. not in the annoying "i'm constantly dieting" way, just in a blessed by nature/skinny genes way. i'm even taller than they are, which you'd think would be pretty tough at 5'4". when i'm around them, i feel like a huge awkward lumbering beast. dancing next to them last night, i wondered what it would feel like to be small and graceful and confident.
and i'm starting to chicken out of my halloween costume, too. i'm afraid that the material will make me look enormous and lumpy, like a malformed granny smith apple. maybe i should just wear black. again. a black dress and my wig would be ok, right?
it's just a sad, sad night. go read the last entry, it's more cheerful.
beatpoetgrrl
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