i know i've not been very regular with this diary lately. seems like all my creative things are taking a backseat to my "real" concerns, like working and not having enough money, ever, and playing with princess messyface (who is a fabulously intelligent 2-year-old now).

i went to walmart the other day to buy cat litter, and spent over fifty bucks on other junk. two smart-ass t-shirts, a pair of pajamas with rubber duckies on them, and underwear. let me just tell you, walmart has some quality undergarments these days. i got one pair with a guitar on the back and "rockstar" on the front (we all know that's my secret identity), and some that are bright yellow and say "hot and spicy." i love smart-ass clothing. it takes the burden off when i can't think of an appropriate remark.

incidentally i don't know what's more disturbing. that marykate and ashley olsen have an entire empire of products that are shamelessly pushed at walmart. or that i am consistently drawn to said products before i realize who makes them. they have catchy names and pretty-colored bottles and whatnot. then i see the name and get all embarrassed because i'm a 26-year-old cynic who wouldn't be caught dead falling for a marketing scam like that.

still trying out the personals to find myself a date...still having absolutely no luck. apparently there really are no interesting single men in a fifty-mile radius of my zip code. or if there are, they don't advertise on the personals. or if they do, they don't write back when i write to them.

i'm trying to figure out what i think about this site. yes it's porn. but it's porn made by girls. thus removing the exploitative quality that i find so disturbing in normal porn. it's almost empowering porn. things you can look at without feeling guilty. it's something i don't like to admit, that i look at "dirty pictures." makes me feel like a deviant. not that i should, i suppose--guys have no qualms about looking at the cheesiest fantasies imaginable, all shot in soft lighting and helpfully obscuring the guy's face.

because isn't the point of porn that you can imagine yourself in the scenario? and how many girls (especially girls like me) really want to imagine themselves shtupping some cheesy dude with a mullet? exactly. and in some ways, i would almost pose for a site like that. almost. it's something that interests me, but that i would never do. i like the idea of the human body as art.

ok the whole family has shown up so i should probably shower and make myself halfway presentable.

kisses my mother with this mouth, beatpoetgrrl

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