i had a migraine last week; i'm not sure if the migraine sparks the sadness, or vice versa...but i was lying there in my bed with the thoughts whirling around. and not happy thoughts, of course. i get fixated on every stupid thing i've ever said, every questionable decision i've ever made. they circle in like harpies and jab at me. and everything else, ever way i try to calm them, comb them out of my head, feels feeble and false. on monday i swore that i've chased away every chance of love i've ever had, whether because i was scared or stupid or just really, really bad at being in love.

the truth of it, and it may as well be faced, is that there's very little really binding the two of us together. a few years of shared experience, a couple of poems, some letters, most of mine unsent. looks sent across crowded rooms and some stilted conversation. one official "date," and some hugs. a few drinks here and there, and a joint once. this crazy idea of destiny that lives only in my head. some two hundred miles and two years of distance. what would be enough to hold him?

sometimes i think that when i allow myself to feel, i feel like this.

"all the lonely people, where do they all belong?" beatpoetgrrl

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