i suppose that was a rather cryptic last entry...so i guess i should explain myself a bit.
saturday night i got dressed up. nice jeans, black tank under a black shirt with silver glittery pinstripes. wore the Shoes of Death (with pre-emptive band-aids). drove 45 minutes to a bar i'd never been to before. and when i walked in, he got up and gave me a hug, and then i sat down at the bar with him and his two friends. the music was so loud that there was no way in hell i could actually talk to him, but we had fun goofing around (the Crush gets quite silly if there's enough wine and questionable 80s music involved). it was a decent time--it was like playing telephone, trying to sit with three guys at a bar, but otherwise not bad.
and then. then there was this girl. and the Crush started staring at her. and staring at her. and his friendss are trying to get him to go talk to her, and he's afraid to even go over. so at that point i had three options. pretend not to notice. get upset and jealous. sublimate, act like it's no big deal, and join in the joke. naturally, i chose the third. egging him on; at the same time, giving back-handed compliments like "i would definitely talk to you if you came up to me in a bar." "i'd be thrilled if a cute boy came over to talk to me." ah, the instincts of self-preservation. never let on you care, if it might not be reciprocated. and always have a few self-deprecating stories and comments on hand. "you don't want to leave her tonight with me being the only girl you've talked to, do you?" ah, the beauty of emotional survival skills.
i just want him to look at me, for five minutes, the way he looked at that girl (who was, by the way, not very attractive. she looked about twelve years old. horrendous bleach job. black pants that laced up the sides, and a black shirt that laced up the front with white ties.). to look at me as a girl. not a guy with breasts.
i suppose in some ways it's my own fault for thinking that i could break gender roles with no kind of cost. at least around here. i just don't have the first clue how to be girly, to attract attention...at least, to attract attention for things besides my biting sarcasm and dexterous wit. people who meet me might come away thinking "wow she's smart." maybe even "damn she's funny." but never "wow, she's so pretty. i'd like to take her out sometime. i should get her phone number."
or maybe i'm just not as cute as i thought i was.
is it just me? -beatpoetgrrl
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