**note: i had an entire diary entry written, and it was very good. and then i lost it. so this is an approximation, and will therefore be not nearly as good. thank you for your understanding**
today i did something that i was not expecting to do any time soon. i called up the Crush and asked if he wanted to hang out tonight. ok not really. i asked his answering machine to hang out. this is part of a multi-level project of self-change sparked by several factors.
at the folk festival, two friends that i will call Girl and Young Girl decided to tell me that i mother people too much. that i don't have a good time. that i don't let other people have a good time either. that i'm condescending. god knows now i'm wondering why people would bother hanging around with me, if i'm such a wet blanket. picturing a wild party and people saying "man i'm glad beatpoetgrrl isn't here; she's such a buzzkill."
the thing is, i do care about people. and i want to take care of them. not smother them or condescend to them or whatever else they seem to think i'm doing. i've put aside my own fun to take care of crying friends many times, when all i wanted to be doing was dancing and giggline. because that's what you do when you care about people. i've not pursued relationships with people that i've been honestly interested in and who seemed interested in me, so that i wouldn't hurt a friend that didn't have a chance with them. most recently, of course, the crush and the decisions i had to make, regarding Young Girl's feelings. i decided to avoid the whole mess.
so to hear Girl telling me that i mother people too much and it's condescending and nobody likes it, and to have Young Girl tell me that i should wait until people ask for help was pretty well a slap in the face. of course, they don't realize a lot of the decisions i've made to avoid hurting them...
the question, of course, is what to do now. now that i've been "made aware" of my "problem." part of me wants to be petty and vindictive; become a machiavellian, selfish egoist. to show them that they should be careful what they wish for. what a good thing they had when they didn't know they had it. it would be liberating; part of the reason i'm still taking care of people is because people expect me to. but if they don't expect it, and furthermore don't want it, then maybe i should stop, and just do with what works for me. starting with calling up the Crush and asking if he wants to hang out.
part of me still thinks this is petty and vindictive. but it's coming around, and agreeing that there's really no way to keep on going the way i had been, at this point. it's willing to concede that the best plan for now is to refrain from making any further emotional investments, particularly in Young Girl, who simply does not pay a dividend. and apparently Girl is not nearly as changed as i had imagined her to be. so i'll just stay away. not making a huge "i'm leaving" scene. just a quiet withdrawal.
the Crush just called back. i've been invited to a bar with him and some friends of his. time to go get ready.
disillusioned again. -beatpoetgrrl
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