yes, i am still alive. no, i did not join a cult, have a near-fatal accident, get myself to a nunnery, or any other of the possible rumors that may have floated around. i like the idea that somewhere on the internet there may be rumors about where beatpoetgrrl spends her off time. but it's far more likely that most of you didn't even notice i was gone.
i did mention at some point that i was thinking of taking a break from the diary. it wasn't a planned break this time, hence the lack of warning. it wasn't even an intentional break; i sat down to write numerous times, but somehow it didn't happen...i wasn't even particularly sad this time around. it just seemed like too much...effort, i suppose, but it wasn't so much a matter of laziness as it was this feeling that there was an enormous weight sitting on me, and the energy required to lift that weight just wasn't there. it became a matter of staring blankly at the entry page, without any desire to type anything at all. maybe that's it. maybe depression is the total lack of any real desires.
and there are things that are not going well. i'm sure i'll deal with them in later entries (yes i promise there will be later entries). but for now i'm going to be superficial for a few moments. not in a huge way, because there are actual issues at stake. i went out tonight to buy a bathing suit for work, to take the kids swimming at the Y.
trying to buy a bathing suit makes me want to cry. a lot. if there's anything that can take me from feeling Rubenesque to feeling like the blob in ten minutes flat, it's stripping down to my skivvies and attempting to wear a piece of spandex smaller than a doily. in a cubicle, under flourescent lighting, with a three-way mirror. not a whole lot of ways to kid oneself about the shape and size of one's body. but that's not what i really want to take issue with here. what really bothers me is the fact that the general majority of swimsuit manufacturers seem to think that the only people with any sense of taste are thin and wealthy women. or, to be more accurate, girls. i tried on at least twenty suits this evening alone. i bought two, neither of which fit especially well, both of which are hideously ugly. and they were the best of the bunch. there were some nice suits. high-necked, nice straps. they were a size 6. maybe a 10 if you got really lucky. anything bigger comes in your choice of nautical print or humongous flower prints, in colors that don't exist in nature. and the ubiquitous skirt, of course. because obviously, everyone who takes any size above a 10 is a middle-aged woman with flabby thighs and violent taste.
it would be a good deal easier to buy one of those tank top/boy short combinations, right? especially for something like swimming with kids, because the backs are higher, the coverage is greater than even a regular swimsuit in most cases. except for the Grand Decree from the Admin: bathing suits must be One Piece Only. but at any rate, i digress. because those don't really come in any size higher than 10, either. except at walmart.
which brings me to the second half of my problem. just because these suits are made for a lower-cost chain store, apparently they are required to also be made in hot-pink tie-dye and other harsh, unflattering colors and prints. because of course, everyone who shops at walmart, again, has no taste.
do not even get me started on the cultural stereotypes this implies. because let's think for a minute about latina bodies, or african american bodies. (see, it's not just about my body issues. i told you so.) because when you think about it, thin and long-limbed is a mainly young white girl attribute. and in many cases, it's an upper-middle-class attribute, too.
i have no idea where i was going with that, except to say that i hate the way people make assumptions based on the size of someone's body, and their level of income. and why the hell can't i find a decent bathing suit?
in the midst of all this, janis joplin started playing on the radio. and i started to think, janis wouldn't have cared if she was fat. she'd have just gone out there and said yeah, i'm big. deal with it. and she probably would've just gone skinny dipping.
all the words are starting to look like they're spelled wrong. i have to be up at 5:30.
take care kids. beatpoetgrrl
 |
 |