transcriptions from my paper journal, written at the diner over hot tea with lemon:

so close to christmas, so little done. at least i'm employed now...i'm glad i found a job that i can really enjoy and relate to, instead of selling things that nobody wants. it's not the job i plan to do for the rest of my life, but it's a good job. it's funny, that i don't define myself by my job, as so many people do. "hi, i'm bob, an investment banker." "hi, i'm nancy, an ad executive." so many people live their jobs, as if that's their personality. i suppose it's because i define myself as a writer, so whatever else i do is a side job. i've never had to justify the reasons that i'm pursuing writing, because it's always been evident to me that it's my vocation. when i was considering massage therapy, or studying for my hair stylist license, i had reasons. even americorps--it was to make a difference, but it was still a reason. writing i do simply for the sheer, selfish pleasure of it.

finished Younger Brother's christmas present today. (i can tell you what it is because he doesn't ever read this) a watercolor city rooftop scene with two children flying into a starry sky, and haloes around the children's heads. it's to go with the poem i wrote him years ago, which i reworked a bit, and wrote out with my amber calligraphy pen. it's not a poem i'd try to publish at this point, because i don't think it's up to the standards i set in that regard. but it's a good personal poem, something i wanted to do for him, and not really an "Art" thing. hopefully, it'll be the kind of present that makes him want to cry, tough though he is.

(i wish i had a camera, because there's a little fly on the pastries, under the glass. it's funny, since the glass should be protecting them from that very thing. i need to get film; i miss thinking in pictures. anthony and basil want me to sign on as staff photographer for better than your records. i think i'll do it; it's a little extra income, not a whole lot of committment, and a chance to hang out with the band guys again. i miss being around bands, i think it's the creative energy just floating around. and at this point, doing photography of any kind sounds like a good idea. another outlet of sorts.)

have no idea what to give Dad for christmas. Mom's present is made, Younger Brother's is done, Older Brother and Sister are both done. Oldest Niece is getting one of the denim purses i made, and i'm making Middle Nephew #1 a necklace with those neat hematite beads i picked up. that leaves Oldest Nephew, Middle Nephew #2, Youngest Newphew, and Princess Messyface. and $50. ah, the joys of last-minute, no-money christmas shopping! thank god i'm crafty.

i would greatly prefer some company right now; writing i can do at home. especially since ali is leaving for college in about ten days. i have no idea what i'm going to do without her. who will go with me on aimless spring photography wanderings? who will take me thrifting at market street mission? who will give me good advice about dating which i never follow? i miss having a group of friends around, not to mention a social/intellectual life. it's not really a bad thing that i've separated myself from some of the people i no longer see. too much drama for too little substance. on the other hand, conversation is nice.

people seem to think that *name deleted* and i should date. this is a ridiculous idea. they are forgetting that i don't date friends, particularly after the *name deleted* debacle. he almost instantly became someone i couldn't stand. and tim, which convinced me to never try to date anyone who belonged in my close-knit circle of friends. because after you break up, what happens to the group? particularly if it's messy, as tim was. when i told *name deleted* that people were trying to set us up, he laughed. which was my point exactly. i think for the people trying to play matchmaker, we're both of us single, and should therefore date each other. which is silly. besides which, neither of us is attracted to the other. and i don't have so many friends that i can risk dating and then alienating the ones that i do have. what we are going to do, i think, is embark on a campaign to help each other become less single; maybe i'll meet a girl at work that i can set him up with.

god knows that if i was going to take a job to meet men, this would not be that job. in all my tours and orientations, i have seen one adult male, and he was a substitute. at the least i hope i meet some people i can hang out with on occasion, but i have my doubts. how many people like me end up working in daycare? let's face it, how many people like me are there?
24 years old, still dressing like i'm 17, obsessed with glitter, well-versed in literature, politically radical, interested in indie rock but not very knowledgeable about it, vegetarian, smoker, crafty, artistic, hypersensitive, a font of useless knowledge, in love with diners, collector of pez, old bottles, and junk, maker of terrible puns, who looks up etymologies of strange words for fun? there are people like me out there, right? and some of them might be male? and some of them might want to date someone like me? or are the people who seem like me at first the trendy scenesters i met my freshman year of college, who sense and are repulsed by the nerd inside of me?

i sent holiday e-cards to some diaryland buddies; at least i have a little spirit. have to send some out to my actual corporeal friends at some point too. tis the season to be rushing.

i think this entry breaks some kind of record for length. -beatpoetgrrl

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