it's a gloriously crisp, windy and sunny fall day. my favorite kind. the girls down the street are kicking a soccer ball back and forth, and i'm half tempted to put on my sneakers and run out to join them. soccer was the one sport i ever played on a team for fun. everything else, from shooting hoops to batting practice in the backyard, was done solo or with Younger Brother. i miss my active tomboy days. when i took pride in how fast i could run, how hard i could kick, how high i wasn't afraid to climb. i was fearless. i was caddie woodlawn, tying together my friend tommy (two years my senior) and Younger Brother (three years my junior) as we explored the woods and mined the hills for quartz crystals. i was tough as nails, and i could beat both of them at pinball.

i got a phone call today from a woman who was interested in my young women's group. i got hugely excited; an organization had heard of me, and they wanted to work with me! they even invited me to their fundraiser dinner thursday night. this was the rockinest thing to happen to me in weeks! then she got around to telling me what the organization was all about. at first, she'd said it was a pregnancy crisis center, offering testing, counseling, and resource referrals. then she told me who the keynote speaker for the dinner was. carol everett. the anti-abortion speaker. and my eyes were opened. so, what did i do about it?

did i tell her straight out that i was uncomfortable with the idea of referring scared girls to an anti-choice group for "counseling"? did i tell her to keep her dinner invitation, and that no way, no how would i be interested in paying to hear someone insult my intelligence for a night? no. i told her i had to "check my calendar," and then i called back to say i had other plans. other plans, meaning that i planned to do pretty much anything other than that.

i'm not sure what to think of myself at this point. not sure of my motives for this subterfuge, not sure if i should have done things differently. to be fair to myself, i was utterly blindsided with the keynote speaker information after i'd quasi-accepted the invitation. and i spent a good hour deciding what route to take. so why did i take the path of least resistance? i suppose for several reasons. one was simply to avoid the giant mess of telling a well-meaning woman that i abhorred the idea she was trying so hard to sell me. i prefer to do that sort of thing in writing or face-to-face. the next reason is, quite honestly, a little bit of fear. planned parenthood's "anthrax" scare was the least of what pro-choice organizations face, and i have no real desire to serve as target practive for some nutty right-winger. (again, please send hate mail here) and there's the fact that i don't really need any negative press for the young women's group at this point, especially since it hasn't even started yet.

but i'm still worried. was i trying to be "polite" at the expense of speaking my mind? why is it impolite to tell that kind of truth? where's the line between diplomacy and duplicity? maybe i'm just a wimp at heart.

viva la revolution, -beatpoetgrrl

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