i had the chance the other night to talk with spookyturtle about the reasons people keep online journals, and he brought up the idea that things matter only insofar as they affect other things and/ or people. that all the writing in the world, if it's kept in a closet, means nothing. it has to be shared to be important. that's probably true, but only insofar as i believe all things are connected and we affect others in ways we may not even recognize.

by way of illustration: i had a hellish time in grade school. there's no other word to describe it. but one boy stood out in my memory because not once did he ever do anything to make me feel bad. i emailed him about a year ago to thank him for that, and he wrote back to thank me. he had no idea that he could affect someone just by being the person he was. (i don't think he'd mind if i put his name up, so thanks jameson paine).

maybe that's what's so enticing about an online diary. the chance to affect people out there just by being yourself, as much as you can handle being yourself for the general public, and in doing that, maybe influencing people. changing the way people see the world just by living your life and writing about it. as you are changed by every encounter you have, no matter how small. what a concept.

is that the only reason i write? i suppose most purists would like me to say no. as in, "oh it's such fun i just can't stop writing and who cares if anyone likes or even sees it." and to some extent that's true. i have a paper journal, and i write in it on a fairly regular basis. it's less like writing, and more like thinking on paper. it help me focus, and sometimes those entries carry over and become fodder for this diary. but mainly they just sit in their pages, accumulating. i have twelve years of that type of accumulation in a trunk in my bedroom. and it's true, if that was the only way i could write, i'd still do it. it feeds something inside me, whether anyone sees it or not.

but here's the question: if every time i hit the submit button my entry was deleted instead of posted, would i still write it? and i have to answer no. i'd stick it in a notebook maybe, or write it on a wall. but i'm writing for someone out there, maybe if it's just for the one other person that gets it.

-beatpoetgrrl

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