i shopped online for a light box yesterday. the days are getting shorter, my insomnia cycles are coming back, and i'm resisting the urge to scream more and more often. i really thought i could go off the paxil, but i'm just not sure...i made it to 10 mg this week and i've been walking on razor blades. i had a mini-breakdown in the shower yesterday; i just had to get out, so i drove aimlessly for nearly an hour. i ended up at my special spot on the river; it was too dark to actually go down (i have to navigate a complicated ladder of exposed tree roots, and it ain't easy even if you know what you're doing and it's light out), but even just standing on the side of the road looking down on the water somehow helps. i've been going to that spot since high school, whenever i was upset. when i got dumped, first i'd go to the river and then i'd dye my hair. ah yes, the days of innocence...

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anyway, the best thing i can do is keep busy. cubiclegirl got me on this i-need-a-job kick this afternoon. so i got the want-ads, and lo and behold, there's an ad looking for editorial staff for an art magazine that gets published in the area. that was actually enough to get me writing the new edition of my resume. that, and the fact that i need to move out. i really really need to move out. it's not anything to do with the people i live with (some of you call them "family members"); i've had worse arrangements with people that i at one point considered my friends. it never fails to amaze me how quickly cohabitation turns people from friends to obsessive-compulsive harpies.

the real reason i need to move out is simple. i like being alone. i like coming inside, kicking my shoes off, and having the whole place utterly to myself. i like the silence. i like getting to walk around in my underwear. i like space. lots of it. this may grow to be a problem in the future.

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how's that for depressing? -beatpoetgrrl

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