hey kids! the folk fest was amazing and i have now fully recovered from a lack of sleep and such. i will chronicle the events of this weekend. but not right now.

i'm in the middle of making a Very Important Decision. i'm going off my meds for the first time in three years. i need to know if i can function on my own. in my mind, when i can live without taking a pill every day, i will be really well again. of course i know, depression and anxiety and all of it isn't a disease in the same terms that measles is a disease. you don't just recover,"oh wonderful i took the magic pills and i'm cured!", you work through it all, and you may or may not ever be finished with it.

but i want to try to live without paxil, at least for a few months. if it gets bad, if i start cutting again or the panic attacks come back or i end up laying in bed staring at the ceiling all the time, then i'll know that i need biochemical help for a longer time. but what if i can do it?

i started taking paxil three years ago, around the same time i started cutting. when i was living in a cement cell with one window and a psychotic roommate who screamed if i got hair in the sink(translation: dorms are bad.). i haven't gone off it for real since, aside from running out once or twice, which makes me dizzy and nauseated and generally not fun to be around. i've also gained nearly 20 pounds, spent a lot of time feeling like a three-toed sloth, and slept up to 12 hours a night. the side effects can be pretty brutal, though of course the meds did their job: the cutting very nearly disappeared, my moods evened out (the highs get a little lower when the lows raise up, but who am i to complain?), i can generally go out in public (even the mall sometimes!) without wanting to scream and run.

so we'll see what happens. i'm in a fairly stable place in my life, no very bad things are happening, i have interests and projects and ideas going through my head again, so i'm mentally doing ok. and i'm home, living with my parents, which, while not the ideal situation, does entail that there are people watching out for me on a regular basis in case i lose it. and i'm not going cold turkey. i'm going to ease off, taking 10 mg. less every week or so until i'm completely weaned.

i'm excited and hopeful, but oh god am i scared. write me someone and tell me if you think i'm nuts.

til the kitchen sinks -beatpoetgrrl

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