three entries in two days--this must be some kind of record for me. not to mention the amount of angst i'm releasing in ye olde journal lately...i swear i'm not in a bad mood, there are just so many things in the world that make me mad and sad. here's another one of them...

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so last night at the diner i was trying to explain to my friend danny what it feels like to be a woman in america. how there are certain things you don't do. how you never feel quite safe. it's a hard thing to explain to someone who's never felt that way; who doesn't have the threat of violence as part of their daily life.

imagine that you are walking through a high-crime area at night, carrying a lot of money in your wallet. think about how your awareness would be heightened, how you would watch every step you made. how you would be constantly looking over your shoulder, speeding up if someone is walking behind you, trying to gauge exactly how much of a threat that someone is, and if or when you should start running. imagine feeling that way almost all the time, no matter where you are.

if you are a woman in this society (there are of course exceptions for all statements i am about to make), there are certain things you try to avoid. you avoid being outside alone after dark. being in an enclosed space with a stranger. and there are certain things you do automatically after a while: you park close to the doors of whatever building you're going to. parking in a well-lit area. always having your keys already in your hand when you leave a place. looking over your shoulder while you walk. these are things we have been taught with every breath, because the threats of rape or assault are very real ones.

in my last neighborhood, there was a minimart half a block away. but if i needed something after dark, i drove there. if i walked to my friend's house around the corner, i found someone to walk me home afterward. even during the day, i get nervous if someone is walking behind me. i try to judge from the shape and size of their shadow whether they are male or female, bigger or smaller, a threat or not.

nowhere is completely safe. there is no town small enough, no parking lot well-lit enough, and even your house can be broken into. some places are more frightening than others, naturally. but there is no place that is completely without some, even slight, threat. one out of every three women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. think about that. think of three women you know. out of those three, one is likely to be raped. women have been raped in churches, in their doctor's office. by their dates and their friends and by strangers.

i wish it was different. i'd love to walk down a street without watching all sides of me at once. i'd love to be able to trust every man i meet. i'd love to go play outside on a swingset under a full moon. i'd like to go to a party and have a good time and not worry about accepting drinks from people. i can't begin to imagine all the things i miss because it's dangerous to be alone and female, because darkness holds an implicit threat.

one in three. i don't like those odds. it's one in three women too many. call me paranoid, but i'm going to do an awful lot to make sure i don't become a statistic. wouldn't you?

-beatpoetgrrl

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