i just got home from the diner, and i can't sleep. since no one was there, i just spent the night drinking soda and writing in my paper journal. and what wonderful insights did i have tonight? (this is embarrassing) i thought about my love life. that's sort of a misleading term, because i haven't actually had a relationship in four years. i'm trying to understand why that is, and why it affects me the way it does...

i guess what got me started on this "i want somebody" kick was my gas station friend. every day i go to the minimart to get my cigarettes, and he asks me how i feel. today he asked me how my boyfriend was, and somehow having strangers ask that question is sort of intimidating. because i say "i don't have a boyfriend," and they infallibly say "why not?" like i'm supposed to be held accountable for this. trying to come up with a reason for not having a boyfriend is a fine line between pity-inducing and coldness. if you say it's because you can't find someone, the stranger looks at you with pity. in that situation, i opt for coldness.

at the diner, i started thinking about my odd position in my little social circle. i'm what most people consider "one of the guys." it's a fun thing to be. i'm not a girlie type of girl, and i don't have much in common with those girls except for the bonds of sisterhood. i connect with guys. the problem with this is that i'm also attracted to them. i'm starting to come to terms with the fact that i'm not the type of girl that men are instantly attracted to.

there are girls who get noticed. they have this aura about them. they walk into a party, or even into the diner, and become the center of attention. people listen to them, they light their cigarettes, they show off like trained monkeys to impress them. and i have no idea how they do it. maybe it's that they seem to be looking for someone to be with, while i'm looking for someone to talk with. my friend jim tells me that the difference between me and the girls i'm talking about is that they flash looks and expect a relationship, while i flash brains and expect (and get) respect. which is great, except that all i get is respect. i keep laboring under the delusion that someone will hear my impeccable rhetoric and sparkling wit and decide that i am the woman of his dreams. i suppose i could become the type of girl who gets noticed, but that's not the goal here. i guess the question isn't "what am i doing wrong," it's more like "why the heck doesn't anybody notice how cool i am?" i could change myself, but why? to attract every bimboy in a 50-mile radius?

the other thing that really triggered this whole pity-fest...a few weeks ago i saw someone who i don't know if i ever really completely got over. i go for months without thinking of him beyond a little twinge of memory. i see him and all the stupid girlie feelings start welling back up inside me. i have two of these mental ghosts, and they both came from the wicked combination of being someone i was attracted to and could also talk with. they saw me .

ok it's getting late and i need to get some kind of sleep tonight...by the way, if anyone has any theories on the whole boy/girl phenomenon, email me and let me know. i plan on avoiding the whole thing for right now. goodnight diarylanders.

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